Awkward greetings: the intercultural social dance

In the Northeast of Brazil, it is common to say “um cheiro” (a smell) as a goodbye. 
Greetings from Brazil.

Hi Sarah,
Your post really speaks to me. After years of going back and forth between countries, and of working with people of different ethnic backgrounds than my own I am completely confused and like you, leave people —or am myself— hanging in limbo half the time. My husband, after his first encounter with the triple kiss ritual in the Netherlands, sowed confusion by adding a bear hug.
It’s so funny that a hug can be experienced as either too intimate or less so, than all those kisses.
Just the other day I ran into an older Dutch friend in a store in Seattle. I realized that the cheek to cheek/ half hug was neither this nor that and a surprise to both of us. When I see her in another setting, at the Dutch Lit Book Group we kiss twice (not trice)!

I got used to double kissing in Armenia. I think the only times I get confused now is with non-Armenians who do something else than double-kiss (including people from my native Holland).

The one thing I still don’t always get right, even after ten years in Armenia, is shaking hands with men. Not all men in Armenia will shake a woman’s hand; as far as I know that’s a sign of respect (there are also many who do shake a woman’s hand or, depending on the relationship, will double kiss a woman). In my experience, whether a man will shake a woman’s hand has very little to do with his age, where he is from (city or village), whether he is traditional or more modern or anything else, so for me it often remains guesswork (unless of course I know the man already). To avoid awkward situations when I am not sure how a man will greet me, I usually hold back a second or something and let him take the initiative in whether he wants to shake hands with me or not. Still, the timing isn’t always right, so sometimes it ends up being a bit awkward anyway.

Thanks for this, Sarah! I guess I’m middling on assimilating the greeting norms, meaning I do them properly half the time. The other half of the time is a mixture of what I feel like doing or make the mistake of doing.

In Japan I was better than my high school colleagues at bowing after 11 years trained by Japanese judo teachers.

There was more hugging in California than New York, and in LA sometimes a one-cheek kiss to other women friends.

When I met my first princess (in Malaysia) I did that wrong even though I’d been coached, just because it didn’t feel natural. Even before her, when I met my first Malay woman I mistook her weak finger-shake and pull-away as disinterest instead of tradition and a touch to the heart that it was. The ramifications lasted for years between us as I misinterpreted how she felt about me.

But when I first read your post the memories that came up were double kissing (in the Turkish style) a real estate agent I was working with in Istanbul, when actually I would have been better off shaking his hand to keep the professional setting. I also made this mistake with someone’s housecleaner, which was a big surprise to her, and me when I realized she was not a relative I’d be seeing a lot but instead an employee I would not be greeting that way again.

In kiss-greeting someone else’s employee as she introduced me to a young woman who would be working for me, my double kiss set the stage for the young woman to see me as “family” (whose belongings were also hers to use, hers to remove from my house) instead of as the more distant and sovereign employer I wanted to be.

In Turkey there’s also the handshake-pull into a double kiss. I end up doing that with older men. Here in Istanbul I greet other Americans with the Turkish double kisses, but when I see them on non-European/non-Asian soil, we’re all confused what to do and a double-kiss instead of a hug seems precious.

I find the awkward thing is that the greeting ritual keeps changing, especially among my nieces. I think I’ve got it down, kiss on each cheek, then a hug and they add an extra hug causing near headbutts.
Being a foreigner also leaves some people uncertain how to approach me, should they just shake hands or go for the normal greeting. There’s a moment of uncertainty as we both pause waiting for the other to make the first move…

Sinosoul, the world is built on personal interactions. The ability to express yourself, to build relationships, friendships, to be professional can be thrown in doubt by messing up the first step. It’s true for private individuals, it’s true for diplomats and statespeople. I don’t think e+H ever claimed to be the place that would save the world, but aims to illuminate aspects of the multitude of cultures it contains. Imagine how much easier we’d get along by knowing each other a little better…

Is this post suppose to be punny? In the current state of the world, I think we have better things to worry about? Wanna double kiss me? SURE! as long as you don’t have hepatitis.