Unlikely associations: is it a sell-out to socialize with insiders?

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in American culture,community,family,friendship,identity,multicultural,origin,psychic limbo,self-image,society,taboo

Traffic at Zocalo, Mexico City by VGuneyli

By VIRGINIA GUNEYLI

While living in Mexico City, visiting family and friends in Istanbul, and navigating my bi-cultural niche in St. Louis, sometimes I’ve felt duplicitous. A sell-out for socializing with people I normally would not.

In different circumstances, our interests, political views, and lifestyle choices would be polarizing. At best, incompatible.

However, expat life can not only be lonely — it’s often disempowering. Simple tasks like driving can be life threatening in Mexico City and Istanbul. I had to take help where I could get it.

As an outsider desirous of becoming an insider I said yes to every invitation.

All these people were using me, too. One was intent on husband-hunting; another needed my car; and one just wanted to have sex with me (didn’t happen).  Coffee, dinner, shopping trips, and movies, all of us knowing we were pursuing a specific purpose: social and literal mobility.

One expat neighbor of mine on Pachuca in La Colonia Condesa taught me about Mexican art. Because of him, I knew about the Fridos when I met them at an Anita Brenner exhibit. I’ve been to all the best places for dirty martinis because of the husband-hunter, and learned my way around Mexico City because of my friend without transportation.

Some of my closest Turkish friends were devout Muslims, a new experience for this lackadaisical Unitarian.

Yet my Mexican and Turkish friends revolutionized my life because my eyes were opened to new opportunities, ways of thinking, and experiences.

Is it duplicitous or open-minded to befriend someone with whom you would otherwise not associate?
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Virginia Guneyli teaches post-colonial literature at a community college in St. Charles, Missouri, where she lives with her husband and son. She’s working on a novel based on her experiences as an expatriate in Mexico City.
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Tagged as: Anita Brenner, diversity, Frida Kahlo, Frido, friendship, Islam, Istanbul, La Colonia Condesa, Mexican art, Mexico, Mexico City, Missouri, mobility, Muslim, religious, secular, social mobility, socializing, St. Louis, Turkey, Virginia Guneyli

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  • Ccarterx

    There is a distict difference between appreciating a global community and being an expatriate. I’m kind of disappointed even though we haven’t spoke in almost 20 years. Although I agree that no society is perfect, Turkey’s stance on woman’s rights or that of most middle eastern countries is sub par at best. Instead of socially throwing yourself into 1200 A.D. That energy could have been spent helping a just cause in the states.

    • http://allthingsguneyli.blogspot.com/ Virginia

      I am not sure who this is from, my old friend. My love for Turkey does not negate my loyalty to America. I spend plenty of energy of grappling with social problems and just causes in the United States. I am an educator at a community college, a volunteer for various community-building non-profit organizations in the St. Louis-area, a political activist (in America, as well as Turkey), a voter (in America), and a tax-payer (in America). My husband is Turkish, and we have a home and family in Turkey, as well. Turkey has had a female president, and while the country has and continues to struggle with gender equality issues, so does the United States. Have you ever been to Turkey? Do you know Turks? From what experience do you speak? I cannot and will not apologize for being socially, culturally, and politically involved in a country that has been a second home, a second culture, one-half of my son’s culture, and my husband’s homeland. I owe that culture and society much, as I do my own. I would not disown that part of my family’s culture because of its problems any more than I would divorce my homeland. I am really offended by the assertion that Turkey operates in 1200 A.D., but not too much, since it shows a serious lack of information about the country. Turkey has a secular Democratic government, has had a female president, and is an ally of the United States. Istanbul is widely recognized as the European culture capital of the world, and the country has made more progress since its Republic was founded than any country has ever made in such a short period of time. You could have asked about my activities and views instead of asserting your “disappointment.”

    • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

      I’m unclear on the difference “between appreciating a global community and being an expatriate” in reference to this post about the relationships we build in new environments.

      Care to explain?

  • Anonymous

    I love this post! It’s something I thought about a lot my first year in Spain. I had quite a few friends, even an entire circle based on expediency and survival. They all spoke English, knew Barcelona well, and had a tight social schedule that I needed only place myself in. Monday: movies; Tuesday: cheap Indian. Wednesday: drinks at Om…. I didn’t even have to think, just show up and look cute. It took a while to realize that I was operating entirely out of a need for comfort and familiarity.

    I started making new friends based on things other than comfort and familiarity. I dropped a student (respectfully, of course) because I was sure she’d make a better friend. And she was a Spanish speaker. I started becoming the planner (totally not my role in NYC, but in Barcelona it’s necessary), and choosing people to be with, yes, based on language, profession (artists inspire me)…

    I mean, do we really move abroad in order to recreate what we already have at home? Perhaps by “unlikely” we just mean, “associations I wouldn’t make at home”. But I have my family for familiarity. I’ve got New York for those times when I want comfort. The rest is of my creation. My choice. I don’t think there’s anything duplicitous about it.

  • http://sheroffthebeatenpath.blogspot.com Sher

    Great discussion! Moving to a new place (be it in your home country or abroad) forces you to adapt to the new situation on all levels, including relationships. If we aren’t open-minded enough to reach out to our fellow humans, then we end up living a very isolated and confined life. We are, as Laura said, social beings, and need to have connections in our lives in order to be happy and healthy.

    Virginia, it’s great to hear these friends of necessity turned into genuine friends!

    I don’t believe reaching out to others we might not embrace in other circumstances is duplicitous. We need relationships, and if we are open-minded enough, we can actually grow through these friendships and relations, and become better people for it.

    • http://allthingsguneyli.blogspot.com/ Virginia

      Thanks, Sher. I’m glad those friendships developed – that seems to be how it goes. As we become more independent in our new environments, we choose to keep or move past those connections established when we were still dependent on others for information, resources, and company. I chose to keep mine, and luckily, they kept me, too. :)

  • Laura

    This is interesting. I’ve been on the road for most of my life moving continents when I was 13 then living and working in the Middle East, South Asia, Balkans for the past 12 years. I have never felt ‘duplicitous’, have not even questioned my motives, in terms of my relationships with local people. I have few, but for some reason my local friends are friends I’d associate with anywhere … this question applies more to my expat friends, we all realize that most of us wouldn’t be as close if we knew each other back home (for different reasons, different personalities, different interests etc.) But it’s not duplicitous… we are humans away from home, reaching out, trying to build a support network with whomever we can connect… what other choice do we have it? It’s a survival mechanism… Interesting question… for sure your relationships with people are different as an expat … hmmm

    • http://allthingsguneyli.blogspot.com/ Virginia

      Initially, I felt duplicitous in two of my friendships in Mexico — in great part because I sensed that two people, in particular, would not associate with me were we not “stranded” together. And I can’t find a better word to describe the first few months in Mexico than “stranded.” I wanted to hang out in book stores, while they preferred cantinas. I was often dubbed “too serious.” In fact, I still believe that, initially, these people were in my life because I had a car. I was lonely, though, so I let them in my life and ignored my discomfort. Eventually, however, we established a genuine friendship for which I am still grateful. Ultimately, both of them became loyal and genuine friends who are in my life because they love me (and vice-versa, of course). If we had not been stranded together, this would probably not have happened.

      • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

        Virginia and Laura, points taken! Virginia, love the topic. I think it plays on the mind of lots of people who find themselves in a new environment. Social expediency. Survival. Being in a new environment (whether it’s kiddie summer camp, college, work, new city, life abroad, etc) there’s a period of time where you seek connection with the people around you but your need to connect exceeds your grasp of who exactly there is around you, and your access to them. That’s where unlikely ties are often forged — for good, and bad. As for not feeling this disconnect as much with local people, I think it’s easier to feel a person is ‘not your type’ when they share some kind of background with you: e.g. bridge-playing Americans in Kuala Lumpur, the Bible study group in Istanbul. I personally like the feeling that I’m associating with people I’d chose anywhere on the planet who ever that may be (and that’s the basis of the global niche concept). I also see how well it works in cross-cultural love matches. (When you’re in a love match that only works locally, or is only ‘possible’ in limited places, the strains on the relationship can be incredible.)

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