Cultural jet lag: the effect of occupying multiple personas

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in community,family,global niche,identity,multicultural,origin,self-image

Crossroads by H. Saffari

By HILDA SAFFARI

I’ve qualified as a cultural mutt starting at the age of one-and-a-half, when I became an expatriate. “Iranian by birth, French by citizenship and American by residence” is how my grandfather encapsulated 10-year old me the year we moved to the United States.

I’ve always fit in everywhere and, by definition, nowhere.

Defending the American “pursuit of wealth and status” to my childhood friends who treated me as if I’d betrayed my French nationality by moving to the United States became a chronic occupation. Meanwhile my American friends were often unable to see anything beyond a terrorist or movie villain in anyone coming from the Middle East.

I moved fluidly between my personas. Being Middle Eastern as I listened to my parents speak Farsi and happily ate my mother’s rice and stews. Gallic in my longing for Le Goûter and refusal at 14 to say the Pledge of Allegiance because I wasn’t an American citizen. Anglo-Saxon in defending the indomitable and entrepreneurial American attitude that anything is possible by working hard enough.

Always pulled in various directions by old traditions or new expectations, I now live in the United Kingdom, married to a Pakistani by birth, Brit by education and Saudi by childhood residence. My stepson is Pakistani-Kuwaiti-Swedish, my stepdaughter Pakistani-American.

So where does this leave my 10-month old daughter? How do I raise her to benefit from the cultural smorgasbord into which she was born as well as instill a specific sense of belonging so she doesn’t have to constantly shift her persona?

How do I teach her to embrace all her roots and yet avoid transmitting my fragmented identity and cultural jet lag to her?

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Hilda Saffari is a film editor/mother/blogger/photographer/dreamer juggling her multiple cultural personalities and life in London, England.
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Tagged as: American, Anglo-Saxon, child-rearing, childhood, children, citizenship, England, Farsi, France, French, Gallic, Hilda Saffari, Iranian, Kuwaiti, London, melting pot, Middle Eastern, motherhood, nationality, Pakistani, Pledge of Allegiance, Saffron and Blueberry, Saudi Arabia, Swedish, terrorist, Third Culture Kid, United Kingdom, United States, values

  • http://anastasiaashman.wordpress.com/about/ Anastasia

    Hilda, now that you’ve posted today your beautiful tribute your worldly, Caspian gentleman of a grandfather, the fact that he oriented you at the age of 10 has so much more meaning for me. What a gift (among many!) he was giving you, letting you know that your patchwork made sense, and made you a citizen of the world.

    Also, he urged you to have children “since you were such a delightful child”…and I can imagine how much of his wisdom and good humor you’ll be passing to your daughter.

  • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

    Hilda, now that you’ve posted today your beautiful tribute your worldly, Caspian gentleman of a grandfather, the fact that he oriented you at the age of 10 has so much more meaning for me. What a gift (among many!) he was giving you, letting you know that your patchwork made sense, and made you a citizen of the world.

    Also, he urged you to have children “since you were such a delightful child”…and I can imagine how much of his wisdom and good humor you’ll be passing to your daughter.

  • http://www.bazaarbayar.com Catherine Bayar

    Thanks for your post, Hilda. I see great merit in being a “cultural mutt”, as you describe yourself, because it allows you a place in multiple cultures outsiders could never fully occupy. By the time your daughter is an adult, I’m hoping being multi-cultured is the norm, not the exception.

    “And so as Indians sever their attachments, Americans reweave theirs” from the NYT article you linked…seems whole cultures are also experiencing this jet lag, as India embraces its inner Horatio Alger, and Americans realize that empires that rise can also fall.

  • http://www.bazaarbayar.blogspot.com Catherine Bayar

    Thanks for your post, Hilda. I see great merit in being a “cultural mutt”, as you describe yourself, because it allows you a place in multiple cultures outsiders could never fully occupy. By the time your daughter is an adult, I’m hoping being multi-cultured is the norm, not the exception.

    “And so as Indians sever their attachments, Americans reweave theirs” from the NYT article you linked…seems whole cultures are also experiencing this jet lag, as India embraces its inner Horatio Alger, and Americans realize that empires that rise can also fall.

  • Keiko Samuels

    I am a native Japanese, l ived in California 30 plus years, now live in Chiangmai Thailand with my American husband.
    Our daughter lives in New York.
    We are traveling in Turkey during April.

    I am a writer, psychotherapist by training,
    community builder in Chiangmai,

    Brand new to this site, can someone show me a way to get involved in this cyberspace.

    • http://anastasiaashman.wordpress.com/about/ Anastasia

      Welcome Keiko! You’re doing it….reading, posting. We do have a “login, become a member” option on right hand column but for now it doesn’t take you anywhere a visitor to this site cannot already go….we’re just getting started! Good to have you with us.

  • Keiko Samuels

    I am a native Japanese, l ived in California 30 plus years, now live in Chiangmai Thailand with my American husband.
    Our daughter lives in New York.
    We are traveling in Turkey during April.

    I am a writer, psychotherapist by training,
    community builder in Chiangmai,

    Brand new to this site, can someone show me a way to get involved in this cyberspace.

    • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

      Welcome Keiko! You’re doing it….reading, posting. We do have a “login, become a member” option on right hand column but for now it doesn’t take you anywhere a visitor to this site cannot already go….we’re just getting started! Good to have you with us.

  • http://twitter.com/sezgi/statuses/10015960738 sezgi (Sezgi Gençay)
  • http://saffronandblueberry.blogspot.com/ Hilda

    @Abigail: Fitting in is over-rated I agree, but my concern is not so much about her fitting in as being constantly pointed out, especially since we plan to travel a great deal and will probably be leaving the UK within the year to start splitting our time between the East and West. But I agree that the main objective is for her to fit in her own skin.

    @Miss Footloose: Thanks. I hope I can help her to become all of those things.

    @Judith: Aha! I hadn’t heard Dear Abby mentioned in so long. I think that’s a really good point about not projecting my sentiments onto her. Fortunately, I’ve made my peace with how I felt growing up, I just want to spare her the same growing pains if possible, particularly because she’s even more culturally mixed than I ever was. She already is her own person, and apparently quite fearless, so she’ll probably be just fine.

    • http://anastasiaashman.wordpress.com/about/ Anastasia

      Thanks for this Hilda! I can envision your daughter feeling comfortable in her own skin, situated in a very mixed family, and moving about the world with a grace that comes from being of the world. She’ll know so much more than the average kid and they’ll wonder how she knows what she does. She’ll be a magical creature everywhere she goes.

      In your cultural jet lag do you find yourself being Gallic when the situation requires the Iranian part of you, does it take a few days to tap into your Americanness when you visit the States? How does that play out?

      • http://saffronandblueberry.blogspot.com/ Hilda

        Thanks Anastasia. I certainly hope so.
        The cultural jet lag manifests itself primarily in gatherings with people who are of a single cultural group (for instance French in Paris) in that in conversations broaching the subject of other cultures, I can’t relate to the latent sense of cultural superiority that probably comes from certainty in one’s distinctly identifiable upbringing; I always find myself wanting to defend the other point of view, whatever it may be, as having a certain degree of validity, or as being comparable to another issue pertinent to the culture of the people in the conversation. I hope that makes sense.
        The other way in which it surfaces is when I miss a cultural cue because I didn’t learn it, for instance in conversation with elderly Iranian people, and find myself having to play along as politely as I can hoping I’m not making any significant faux-pas.
        It doesn’t really occur on a timeline, although when I’ve spent a long time away from one of these places, like right now the US, I know it will seem both familiar and foreign at the same time for the first few days after I get there. I hope that answers your question.

        • http://www.bazaarbayar.com Catherine Bayar

          I understand what you mean about those single culture gatherings. I find myself out of step in them as well, and longing to broaden topics to encompass larger boundaries. But taking that stance can alienate more than enlighten, so it’s not easy to navigate.

  • http://saffronandblueberry.blogspot.com/ Hilda

    @Abigail: Fitting in is over-rated I agree, but my concern is not so much about her fitting in as being constantly pointed out, especially since we plan to travel a great deal and will probably be leaving the UK within the year to start splitting our time between the East and West. But I agree that the main objective is for her to fit in her own skin.

    @Miss Footloose: Thanks. I hope I can help her to become all of those things.

    @Judith: Aha! I hadn’t heard Dear Abby mentioned in so long. I think that’s a really good point about not projecting my sentiments onto her. Fortunately, I’ve made my peace with how I felt growing up, I just want to spare her the same growing pains if possible, particularly because she’s even more culturally mixed than I ever was. She already is her own person, and apparently quite fearless, so she’ll probably be just fine.

    • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

      Thanks for this Hilda! I can envision your daughter feeling comfortable in her own skin, situated in a very mixed family, and moving about the world with a grace that comes from being of the world. She’ll know so much more than the average kid and they’ll wonder how she knows what she does. She’ll be a magical creature everywhere she goes.

      In your cultural jet lag do you find yourself being Gallic when the situation requires the Iranian part of you, does it take a few days to tap into your Americanness when you visit the States? How does that play out?

      • http://saffronandblueberry.blogspot.com/ Hilda

        Thanks Anastasia. I certainly hope so.
        The cultural jet lag manifests itself primarily in gatherings with people who are of a single cultural group (for instance French in Paris) in that in conversations broaching the subject of other cultures, I can’t relate to the latent sense of cultural superiority that probably comes from certainty in one’s distinctly identifiable upbringing; I always find myself wanting to defend the other point of view, whatever it may be, as having a certain degree of validity, or as being comparable to another issue pertinent to the culture of the people in the conversation. I hope that makes sense.
        The other way in which it surfaces is when I miss a cultural cue because I didn’t learn it, for instance in conversation with elderly Iranian people, and find myself having to play along as politely as I can hoping I’m not making any significant faux-pas.
        It doesn’t really occur on a timeline, although when I’ve spent a long time away from one of these places, like right now the US, I know it will seem both familiar and foreign at the same time for the first few days after I get there. I hope that answers your question.

        • http://www.bazaarbayar.blogspot.com Catherine Bayar

          I understand what you mean about those single culture gatherings. I find myself out of step in them as well, and longing to broaden topics to encompass larger boundaries. But taking that stance can alienate more than enlighten, so it’s not easy to navigate.

  • http://www.dutchessabroad.com Judith van Praag

    Dear Hilda,

    With the danger of sounding like Dear Abby, I think your child is fortunate to enjoy a hybrid lifestyle that has already come into being. She won’t have issues with what worries you, unless you project your sentiments onto her.
    It would be understandable that you might not want her to take her hybrid self for granted, and that you’d want her to know the difficulties you encountered growing up.
    Yet, if the contrary is true, she’d most likely start exploring on her own the feelings she senses, but hasn’t been made part of. What a parent withholds is usually what’s going to be (re)searched by the child.

    She’ll be her own person, she already is, and as I said, fortunate.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Hilda,

    With the danger of sounding like Dear Abby, I think your child is fortunate to enjoy a hybrid lifestyle that has already come into being. She won’t have issues with what worries you, unless you project your sentiments onto her.
    It would be understandable that you might not want her to take her hybrid self for granted, and that you’d want her to know the difficulties you encountered growing up.
    Yet, if the contrary is true, she’d most likely start exploring on her own the feelings she senses, but hasn’t been made part of. What a parent withholds is usually what’s going to be (re)searched by the child.

    She’ll be her own person, she already is, and as I said, fortunate.

  • http://twitter.com/nassefi/statuses/9931572040 nassefi (Nassim Assefi)

    Check out wonderful blogs of @thandelike Expat + Harem site. This one on cultural jet-lag by Iran-FR-US mutt http://tinyurl.com/yzbts86

  • http://www.lifeintheexpatlane.blogspot.com Miss Footloose

    And I thought I was culturally confused and rootless! What an interesting cultural mix you have in you and your family’s background. Your young child will just have to grow up with the crazy quilt of your roots and become a wonderfully creative, flexible, tolerant and wise global citizen. We need more of those!

  • http://www.lifeintheexpatlane.blogspot.com Miss Footloose

    And I thought I was culturally confused and rootless! What an interesting cultural mix you have in you and your family’s background. Your young child will just have to grow up with the crazy quilt of your roots and become a wonderfully creative, flexible, tolerant and wise global citizen. We need more of those!

  • http://www.abigailblake.com/sugarapple Abigail Blake @ Sugar Apple

    I’m American, my husband is English, our daughter has dual citizenship and she’s growing up in the Caribbean. Not quite the cultural melange of yours, but she’s definitely growing up expat.

    My husband agitates to move stateside occasionally (not back to the UK, funny that neither of us really wants to go back “home”). But I’m not sure we’d fit in there any longer. Our values and the way we raise our children here in the islands are just different (much more casual than either the States or UK I think).

    The kids here spend a lot more time in adult company and are able to hold a converation with a grownup better than the average child. And they can pretty much walk into any situation and make friends very quickly. They’re also well-travelled and have experienced more different and varied cultures than the average American child. Many American adults don’t even have passports, not to mention the kids.

    Anyway, I think fitting in is over-rated. As long as they fit in their own skins, they’ll be fine.
    .-= Abigail Blake @ Sugar Apple’s latest blog ..Kitchen Doodads, Gadgets and Gizmos =-.

  • http://www.abigailblake.com/sugarapple Abigail Blake @ Sugar Apple

    I’m American, my husband is English, our daughter has dual citizenship and she’s growing up in the Caribbean. Not quite the cultural melange of yours, but she’s definitely growing up expat.

    My husband agitates to move stateside occasionally (not back to the UK, funny that neither of us really wants to go back “home”). But I’m not sure we’d fit in there any longer. Our values and the way we raise our children here in the islands are just different (much more casual than either the States or UK I think).

    The kids here spend a lot more time in adult company and are able to hold a converation with a grownup better than the average child. And they can pretty much walk into any situation and make friends very quickly. They’re also well-travelled and have experienced more different and varied cultures than the average American child. Many American adults don’t even have passports, not to mention the kids.

    Anyway, I think fitting in is over-rated. As long as they fit in their own skins, they’ll be fine.
    .-= Abigail Blake @ Sugar Apple’s latest blog ..Kitchen Doodads, Gadgets and Gizmos =-.

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