Winged etiquette: do manners travel?

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By ANASTASIA ASHMAN

“Manners are your passport to the world,” the Gilded Age writer of American etiquette Emily Post once opined.

The mid-century sage also said etiquette isn’t a strict code of socially correct behavior we need to memorize — it’s simply how our lives touch other people. Respect.

Although more a proponent of Miss Manner’s sharp-humored good sense, I’m intrigued by the premise if we behave thoughtfully, politely, discreetly we might float around the globe in a delicate cloud of social grace, doors opening everywhere.

Yet, are manners culture blind?

Can the deportment of one society truly transcend the culture of another? Just like etiquette isn’t a code, what passes for propriety in one place may not have the same meaning in another. Perhaps we need a non-formulaic equation for the cultural layer in these global times.

A recent tip by Cindy King about not appearing too self-centered in international situations caught my eye.

Isn’t “self-centered” culturally relative? For a person like me born under the sign of the ruler in both the Western and Chinese zodiacs and raised in “the Me Decade” of California, it can sometimes seem like the definition — and curse — of life itself. If one aspect of my demeanor is going to doom me worldwide, it’s this one.

King, a cross-cultural communications coach, presents a series on the role of respect in building trust. “Self-centeredness can be perceived as a lack of respect to others,” King writes. Her advice: become more curious about the other person’s perspective. Individualistic Americans will have to work over-time.

Which manners travel best for you? Where in your disposition, and on the planet, do you need to improve?
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Anastasia Ashman is a California-born writer/producer of neoculture entertainment based in Istanbul. This series covers what’s crossing the mind and desk of expat+HAREM’s founder.
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Tagged as: cross-cultural, cultural relativism, egoistic, Emily Post, etiquette, group behavior, individualism, intercultural, manners, Me Decade, Miss Manners, multicultural, polite, politeness, respect, respectful, self-centered, well-mannered

  • http://www.taralutmanagacayak.blogspot.com Tara Lutman Agacayak

    That’s a good one! I’m definitely the black sheep in our community when it comes to certain topics. In the beginning I really struggled because I really wanted to fit it, but I was also not very comfortable with all the social calls. Learning to speak Turkish went a long way in helping me communicate my needs – it really saved me. Just need to solve that need-to-please issue I run into occassionally …

  • http://www.taralutmanagacayak.blogspot.com Tara Lutman Agacayak

    That’s a good one! I’m definitely the black sheep in our community when it comes to certain topics. In the beginning I really struggled because I really wanted to fit it, but I was also not very comfortable with all the social calls. Learning to speak Turkish went a long way in helping me communicate my needs – it really saved me. Just need to solve that need-to-please issue I run into occassionally …

  • http://www.retaggr.com/Card/AnastasiaAshman Anastasia M. Ashman

    Thanks Stephen, Aundreta and Tara.

    Stephen, you’re a Jamaican in Denmark, is that right? I believe your Old-World manners come through on Twitter so clearly…in your language and topics and the care you take to respond to others. So, that’s an example of manners crossing cultures.

    Being stared at is unnerving and I’m not sure I’d be as patient as you are Aundreta! Different forms of eye contact can make a big difference in Turkey and how people approach you. Big-city 100-yard stares discourage people, for instance, while holding someone’s gaze can be interpreted as an invitation.

    You’re right Tara, once people can relate to you they’re more open to hearing something new. How does this work, for example, in the Turkish tradition of leisurely tea with the neighbor ladies? Do you meet and have tea the first time and then make it clear you won’t be able to return on a weekly (or daily!) basis? Eegads. Can you offer an example of Turkish manners that you’ve adopted that suit you better than American ones?

  • http://www.expatharem.com/identity-messages/ Anastasia

    Thanks Stephen, Aundreta and Tara.

    Stephen, you’re a Jamaican in Denmark, is that right? I believe your Old-World manners come through on Twitter so clearly…in your language and topics and the care you take to respond to others. So, that’s an example of manners crossing cultures.

    Being stared at is unnerving and I’m not sure I’d be as patient as you are Aundreta! Different forms of eye contact can make a big difference in Turkey and how people approach you. Big-city 100-yard stares discourage people, for instance, while holding someone’s gaze can be interpreted as an invitation.

    You’re right Tara, once people can relate to you they’re more open to hearing something new. How does this work, for example, in the Turkish tradition of leisurely tea with the neighbor ladies? Do you meet and have tea the first time and then make it clear you won’t be able to return on a weekly (or daily!) basis? Eegads. Can you offer an example of Turkish manners that you’ve adopted that suit you better than American ones?

  • http://www.taralutmanagacayak.blogspot.com Tara

    I’ve always done well to look before I leap – to observe what’s culturally acceptable wherever I may find myself and act accordingly. Living in Turkey I find that people hear me best when I speak the language of their etiquette. Even if it doesn’t always reflect how I was raised to behave, once I am on common ground I can then explain how this behavior or that action is something I’m not used to and they aren’t offended because I’m communicating in a way they can understand.

    What’s also true for me is that living in Turkey and experiencing different rules of etiquette have shown me alternate ways of behaving that were missing for me in the US. I’ve been able to complement how I was raised with additional manners that suit me even more.

  • http://www.taralutmanagacayak.blogspot.com Tara

    I’ve always done well to look before I leap – to observe what’s culturally acceptable wherever I may find myself and act accordingly. Living in Turkey I find that people hear me best when I speak the language of their etiquette. Even if it doesn’t always reflect how I was raised to behave, once I am on common ground I can then explain how this behavior or that action is something I’m not used to and they aren’t offended because I’m communicating in a way they can understand.

    What’s also true for me is that living in Turkey and experiencing different rules of etiquette have shown me alternate ways of behaving that were missing for me in the US. I’ve been able to complement how I was raised with additional manners that suit me even more.

  • http://aundretainkonya.blogspot.com/ Aundreta Conner Farris

    I have learned that the secret to living without extreme frustration sometimes means that I must suspend my home-grown ideas of “good manners.” Although my South Carolina upbringing has endowed me with enough grace to finesse my way into and through many situations, including an incredible year abroad in Turkey, I still sometimes find it difficult to not let my cultural framework become a barometer for my expectations in regards to social graces in Turkey.

    I was taught that it is extremely impolite to stare, to point or to objectify someone by referring to them by their physical appearance. For instance, to point and stare at a person with purple hair while yelling “hey, purple haired person!” could result in a pinched ear or a pinched lip in my home. But this is the situation that I must face almost daily in Konya, Turkey. As an African American woman, I can hardly pass through the streets of Konya unnoticed and I don’t expect to. On the best days, my being different is met with smiles and on occasion someone may approach me to ask my name and welcome me to Turkey. But on the worst days there is uncontrollable laughter, pointing, nudging or someone may actually yell “zenci!!”, which is the Turkish word for Black person. Days like this sometimes result in my staying close to home for a few days. But whether I stay at home or gear up to get back out there, I need to find a way to negotiate between my ideals of good manners and what some people regard as understandable curiosity.

    The best I can figure is that everyone has not seen the necessity of pinching the ears or lips of children who express their natural curiosity. This has resulted in adults who have grown up without that particular filter. Is this wrong? No, at worst it is uncomfortable but I feel that expecting people to act according to my ideals of manners is unreasonable and futile. So while I walk about and try to remain cool and unaffected, I try to focus on the fact that I am most likely the first person they have ever seen like me and oblige them their curious stares because to behave in any manner contrary to this would not be in harmony with the lessons I learned as a child.

  • http://aundretainkonya.blogspot.com/ Aundreta Conner Farris

    I have learned that the secret to living without extreme frustration sometimes means that I must suspend my home-grown ideas of “good manners.” Although my South Carolina upbringing has endowed me with enough grace to finesse my way into and through many situations, including an incredible year abroad in Turkey, I still sometimes find it difficult to not let my cultural framework become a barometer for my expectations in regards to social graces in Turkey.

    I was taught that it is extremely impolite to stare, to point or to objectify someone by referring to them by their physical appearance. For instance, to point and stare at a person with purple hair while yelling “hey, purple haired person!” could result in a pinched ear or a pinched lip in my home. But this is the situation that I must face almost daily in Konya, Turkey. As an African American woman, I can hardly pass through the streets of Konya unnoticed and I don’t expect to. On the best days, my being different is met with smiles and on occasion someone may approach me to ask my name and welcome me to Turkey. But on the worst days there is uncontrollable laughter, pointing, nudging or someone may actually yell “zenci!!”, which is the Turkish word for Black person. Days like this sometimes result in my staying close to home for a few days. But whether I stay at home or gear up to get back out there, I need to find a way to negotiate between my ideals of good manners and what some people regard as understandable curiosity.

    The best I can figure is that everyone has not seen the necessity of pinching the ears or lips of children who express their natural curiosity. This has resulted in adults who have grown up without that particular filter. Is this wrong? No, at worst it is uncomfortable but I feel that expecting people to act according to my ideals of manners is unreasonable and futile. So while I walk about and try to remain cool and unaffected, I try to focus on the fact that I am most likely the first person they have ever seen like me and oblige them their curious stares because to behave in any manner contrary to this would not be in harmony with the lessons I learned as a child.

  • http://twitter.com/DKburrell Stephen Burrell

    I was brought up being told that “manners will take you right through the world!”
    Now I have been fortunate, and have travelled and observed human behaviour in many countries around the world, and yes there are cultural differences. In my opinion, unfortunately, there are not enough people around the world that are teaching the youngsters about good manners and etiquette.

    Whenever i open a door for a woman nowadays, she appears to be surprised by my behaviour. If I see a person struggling, I will offer help, again, this is always met with surprise. My personal mantra is to respect everyone, and hopefully this will be continue to be met with respect.

  • http://twitter.com/DKburrell Stephen Burrell

    I was brought up being told that “manners will take you right through the world!”
    Now I have been fortunate, and have travelled and observed human behaviour in many countries around the world, and yes there are cultural differences. In my opinion, unfortunately, there are not enough people around the world that are teaching the youngsters about good manners and etiquette.

    Whenever i open a door for a woman nowadays, she appears to be surprised by my behaviour. If I see a person struggling, I will offer help, again, this is always met with surprise. My personal mantra is to respect everyone, and hopefully this will be continue to be met with respect.

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